Cliff Lee Shows the Strong Dick, Phils First to 50 Wins After Dominating Sox

It was only five weeks ago that Cliff Lee had an ERA that was creeping toward 4.00, his record was sub-.500 and worst of all, it appeared that Cliff Lee just looked plain ordinary–certainly not the pitcher the Phillies thought they’d signed this winter.

Then the calendar turned to June.

Then Cliff Lee took out his thunderdick, bent over every single naysayer and proceeded to allow ONE EARNED RUN in his next five starts.

Check this out: Cliff Lee is 5-0 with a 0.21 ERA and a WHIP of 0.69 during that stretch.

You like that, doggie?

The Red Sox had absolutely no chance last night as Lee set the tone early with a five-pitch first inning. At no point throughout Lee’s near-perfect nine innings did Boston’s powerful offense even threaten to plate a run, let alone actually win the game.

Rarely do players live up to preseason hype, but right now the Phillies rotation, even without Roy Oswalt, has been as advertised.

It is more than likely that Roy Halladay, Cole Hamels, and Cliff Lee will each head into the All-Star Break with 10 wins. All are among league leaders in several key statistical pitching categories. Each should be selected to this year’s ASG–even if Hamels doesn’t actually pitch in the game because his turn in the rotation will preclude him from doing so.

Hand me my box of tissues–I’ve gotta go take care of some business. Then I’ll be back to piss on Red Sox fans. Omg it’s “The Nation”–fuck you.

Turkey Can Lick My Fucking Sac

Como estan, bitches. Viva la JetroWarriors.

It appears that some Turkish hacker got into our site, installed malware, and essentially paralyzed us from soiling in the Interwebs with anymore offensive Phillies-related content. After staring blankly at code that I didn’t understand for about five days while seriously contemplating shutting down shop, I’ve decided that some Twat-Chopper from Turkey isn’t going to keep us down. Ain’t happenin’, yo.

Fuck Turkey.

As is the case, you’ll notice that we are running out of a skeleton of our usual site for right now–no pretty JetroWarriors graphics for the time being until we figure out how to undo the fucking ridiculous amount of damage done to our main digs.

The Phillies play the Red Sox tonight. I can’t pass this shit up. Get at me.

Bunting and Spider Monkeys

That's right, Shane. Use your head and think about what you are doing.

Feel free to disagree with me on this, but I believe that bunting is never a good idea. Go ahead and let the pitchers lay down a sacrifice, but none of the position players should be pulling a Jake Taylor. Ever. Bunting completely eliminates the chance of an extra base hit, and since this team struggled to score runs last year (second in the National League is struggling, I guess?), my suggestion to the guys is the following. Swing the fucking bat.

This brings us to Shane Victorino who decided to lay a few down in yesterday’s 6-5 loss to the Orioles.

Think about your role in the offense, dude. If Jimmy Rollins is able to stand he is going to be hitting leadoff, and Polanco is a lock for the two-hole even if his new bionic arm decides to fall off. So, how is bunting down in the order going to help this team score runs? DING, DING, DING! You guessed it, it isn’t!

Let’s go to the videotape to better understand the situation.

Ryan Howard leads off the inning with a double in the gap because he only has warning track power nowadays. Cool, the Big Piece coasts into second without exploding his ankle, and the Flyin’ Hawaiian strolls up to the dish. Victorino lays down a bunt, and it is a beauty! Some fucking scrub on the Mets channels his inner Keith Hernandez and pounces on that shit. Ryan Howard’s fat ass is out at third base and we have to see David Wright’s stupid smile. Nice one, Shane.

The moral of this story is simple. Swing the fucking bat, asshole.

This probably isn't a Spider Monkey, but who cares.

“All I Do is Win Bro – Just like the Phillies Will All Year!”

Charlie Sheen has been a media whore over the past week and today was no different.  He called Bud Selig and made a prediction on this up coming Phillies season.

“[The Phillies] are on a quest to claim absolute victory on every front. Celebrate this movement. … They got tiger blood and Adonis DNA. … They are on a drug.  It’s called Phillies Baseball.  It’s not available because if you try it you will die.  Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. … Get over here and enjoy the ride, bro. We’re starting to win.”

He also had a few words about how he felt about the Mets – “It’s a three-letter word.  It rhymes with why.  [Those] contaminated little maggots can’t handle their power. … Got to dismiss these clowns. … Deal with it. Oh, wait, can’t process it? LOSERS!”

Sheen then ended his call to Selig by expressing his excitement of having Lee back in Phillies Red – “I just want to hug him and rub his head. … There’s a new sheriff in town.  And he has an army of assassins. … You’ve been given magic.  You’ve been given gold.”

I think he was very accurate and to the point.  Who knew he was a Phillies fan.  “Just sit back and enjoy the show. … Winning! Everyday!”

Congratulations Chooch!

The news came today that Carlos Ruiz would miss today’s game in order to fly back to Panama to be with his wife after she gave birth a 9 lb. baby boy. We were able to use our vast Panamanian resources to get you this first-hand look at Baby Chooch. Personally,  I think he’s beautiful.

I bet his first words are "slidah".

It’s Always Bitching In Philadelphia

Well, for Phillies fans that thought they would have a relatively worry-free spring training, you can forget it. Nothing is ever that easy. Ever.

The Phillies fell to the Orioles 6-5 today to fall to an irrelevant 2-3 in Grapefruit League play. My immediate reaction? Who gives a shit?

But the more I think things over about this first week, the more I slowly let some concern work its way into my mind. Truthfully, every team has issues to deal with during spring training- some wind up being nothing to worry about, while some end up causing major problems as the season wears on. The problem is that it’s impossible to know which ones can be dismissed with bravado and which ones are a legitimate cause for concern.

So let’s try to sort this stuff out, so we can dial in as a fan base and do what we do best- bitch, worry, and complain.

Dear Brad: I know Charlie Sheen is getting a lot of publicity lately, but that doesn't mean you gotta pitch like him. K? Thanks, babe.

1. Dom Brown. I wrote about Brown the other day and concluded he’s likely to start the season in the minors and make contributions for the big club later. WIP’s Anthony Gargano agrees. Conversely, David Murphy of the Philadelphia Daily News says everyone should give the kid a break and that his horrendous start should essentially be ignored. Whatever the case may be, Brown’s struggles this early in the season shouldn’t be a primary concern for this team right now. They can afford to have Brown begin the season in the minors until he gets his shit straightened out.  The thing that concerns me a little bit is that he’s had three shitty games, but needed a day off today to get his head right. That’s weak. The verdict: Stop being a  whiny bitch, it’ll be fine.

2.  Chase Utley. Everyone knows the deal with Utley. His knee hurts and he’s not playing.  Great. I’m not overly concerned that Utley isn’t taking live swings on March 2, but if he’s not in the lineup by the middle of March, my outlook will quickly change. People that rationalize Utley’s injury as a positive development because he tends to wear down as the season wears on are fucking crazy.  It’s not a good thing any time that you have a player whose numbers have steadily declined over the last three years and has to sit out a week into workouts because his knee is flaring up. The verdict: I’m not concerned. Yet.

3.  The Phillies offense was asscheeks last year and it has licked dong this spring, too.  Am I concerned? No. Am I annoyed? Yeah, a little bit. Howard, Rollins, Ibanez have generally sucked so far, but Howard has hit a couple of deep fly balls, so I’m okay with this for right now. I’m not going to get worked up over what seasoned professionals are doing during the first week of March, but  it’d be swell if a couple of these guys got hot as the month progresses. The Verdict: Stop being a  pussy. They’ll mash. I think.

4. Oh no, Brad Lidge looks like shit again. Yeah, he does. He looked awful against the Yankees on Sunday and he revved it up to a whopping 87 mph in another shitty outing against the Orioles today. And his slider sucked, too.  What is it with this fucking guy? He says he feels great. And that’s great, but it’d be even better if he would pitch like it. It’s always something with him. Jim Salisbury says he’s working on a 2-seamer and all, but that the pitch won’t see the light of day in the regular season. What am I missing here? Why are you throwing it then, dick head? And would it hurt to mix in the good ole 93 mph fastball, Rick Vaughn ala Major League 2?  The  Verdict: Nothing has been easy with Lidge the last two years, so I expect more of the same this season. 

So what does this mean? It means that, generally speaking, everyone is healthy and expected to be ready to destroy Brett Myers on April 1. Spring training generally means little, and more importantly, the starting rotation is titties, so everybody should chill the fuck out.  Now, that’s analysis you simply can’t get anywhere else.

Ben Francisco Is Playing Like Someone Who Wants To Play, While Dom Brown Is Playing Like…Shit

If the first three Grapefruit League games of spring training mean anything (and I can assure you that they absolutely don’t), then Ben Francisco is sending a strong message to the “toolsy” Domonic Brown.

The message? It’s probably something like, “I don’t feel like fucking sitting behind you this season, watching you hit .246 while I only get to pinch for Vance Worley in the sixth-inning of a five-run game.”

In his first three games of the spring Francisco has gone 4 for 6 with a double, triple, homerun, and 3 RBI. Not a bad start.

Here's a guy that wants more than 250 at-bats this season.

Conversely, Brown is metaphorically shitting his pants at the plate to this point. During the same stretch, Brown is 0 for 9 with 6 strikeouts. While it’s early, part of the fun is over-analyzing every single plate appearance and it’s no stretch to say Brown looks off-balanced and confused at the plate thus far, which is a bad sign for a player the Phillies will count on at some point this season.

The day Jayson Werth signed with Washington,  I immediately assumed that at the very least Brown and Francisco would open the season in a platoon situation, but I’m starting to shy away from that prediction. I’ll go as far to say I don’t think Dom Brown will even be on the Opening Day roster. I’m a hater, jumping to conclusions, and a naysayer, right?

Probably, but hear me out on this one.

Unless Brown dominates this spring and gets consistent playing time at the Major League level, what the Hell is the point of having him up here?It’s more than likely that the big club will depend upon him at some point this season, so let him get as much work in at the beginning of the year as possible . He can’t do that playing only three or four times a week.

Furthermore, I know it’s insanely early, but I’ve had the sense since Brown’s brief, but dismal stay in the Dominican League last year tempered the Phillies short-term expectations.

At any rate, it’s good to see Francisco get off to a good start. Of course, everyone would like to see Brown earn the job with a monster spring because his potential is obvious, and I think that an aging lineup could benefit from an injection of youth, but he is going to have to be better than this start. A lot better.